Most of us really do try for a \u201cCha Cha Cha\u201d rhythm of communication with a steady flow of back and forth \u2013 I talk, you listen, you talk, I listen. But we ALL slip and stumble from time to time and the dance can end up being more like \u201cCha Cha Ch\u2019OUCH!\u201d \u2013 I talk, I talk, I talk, you don\u2019t listen.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve observed my own communication routines with my family and sometimes I\u2019m on point and glide through routines, while other times I can\u2019t keep up and I get lost in the shuffle.<\/p>\n
There are many variables that affect my ability to stay on point and I think they basically boil down to me getting distracted and tuning out. Although I don\u2019t tune out often, I\u2019ll admit that I do, especially when\u2026<\/p>\n
I have work related stress on my mind<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not interested in the topic<\/p>\n
I feel too full or too hungry<\/p>\n
I feel too tired or too energetic<\/p>\n
I\u2019m especially prone to tune people out during repetitive conversations that I\u2019ve lost patience for.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s a specific example. About a year ago my sweetheart Gord started going through difficulties managing his work\/personal life balance. During that time we shared heartfelt conversations and brainstormed options on how he could adjust. I was patient, I listened, and it felt like we were working as a team to tackle the problem.<\/p>\n
Several months went by and the problems persisted. I started to feel irritated that we were having the same conversation over and over and I began to tune him out. One day when he brought the matters up again I said,<\/p>\n
“Here we go again\u2026” with a wildly sarcastic tone. Ch\u2019OUCH!<\/p>\n
My reaction put an abrupt halt to our discussion. We took a moment to reset and recognized that we were mindlessly carrying on an unproductive conversation and neither of us were really listening to the other. After this realization we decided to change our tune for that situation and step into a new dance – which we\u2019re still working on today.<\/p>\n
What I experienced with Gord is common for couples and parents. No matter how hard we try to be present and connected to a conversation, at times we get swept away by distractions or emotions and lose our ability to stay engaged.<\/p>\n
Learning to listen more intently is a powerful tool that helps us tune in to conversations and more fully comprehend the communication.<\/p>\n
When we truly listen, our understanding of a dialogue is more accurate. Psychologists who\u2019ve studied how meaning is conveyed in a conversation conclude that about 40% is vocal\/tone\/intonation, 50% is body language\/facial expression, and 10% is verbal.<\/p>\n
A measly 10% or less of what we interpret someone else saying is based on the words they use. The other 90% is a combination of their body language and tone of voice.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Deep listening is also an important skill that helps us understand our self. When we listen deeply to what\u2019s happening in our own mind, body, and mood, we\u2019re better able to take care of our needs, therefore, we have more energy and patience for our relationships.<\/p>\n Here’s a list of a few common listening barriers and examples of listening supports that can help us stay engaged with others.<\/p>\n Listening Barriers<\/strong><\/p>\n Listening Supports<\/strong><\/p>\n\n